BE PATIENT! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him or her around than does anyone else. Give your submissive time to get to know you and what you are like, finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom.
BE HUMBLE! You may be God's or Goddess' gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach.
BE OPEN! Although the Dominant is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your submissive, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other Dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar activities with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style.
COMMUNICATE! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes, dislikes and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of SM with your submissive, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits (hard and soft), and contracts. Do not take for granted that your submissive instinctively knows the ground rules.
BE HONEST! If you lack experience in an area that your submissive would like to explore, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is.
BE REALISTIC! End the scene with the submissive wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, it has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
BE SENSITIVE! There's a very fine line between a sensitive, caring Dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive, overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your submissive's needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that Dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately.
BE REALLY DOMINANT! Submissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Remember, there's a difference between dominating and domineering. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him or herself up to you totally. Follow up on the rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister or fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role - now take it!
BE HEALTHY! Dominating is a lot of work! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself as well as your submissive, and be on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me that much... I can do it anyway" is foolish and violates your Submissives trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the game! NEVER do a scene when angry or intoxicated!
HAVE FUN! After all, S&M is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative S&M play.
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