Topping from the Bottom

One of the biggest dilemmas in BDSM is when bottoms top when they’re bottoming. Confused yet? This is a situation in which those who are submissive tell their Dominants what a sub wants a Dom/me to do. While it does seem to go against the idea of giving up control to someone else, there are times when this practice is appropriate – and that’s where the arguments begin. If you’ve been curious about this sort of terminology, here are the arguments in both directions.

***************************************************
Yes, You Should Top from the Bottom
***************************************************

When you are just getting to know a Dominant, things can be a little confusing for both partners. A Dominant usually has a style that they like to use and know the different sensations past subs have enjoyed, but they have no idea what a new sub likes or how they will react to different sensations.

As a sub you may want to give them some direction, as they might not know your body as well as you might want them to. Of course giving those suggestions in a begging, pleading, respectful and courteous way, might help your cause to convince your new Dominant to take your suggestion.

When a top and a bottom have known each other for a while, topping from the bottom can also help when you are interested more in building up the intensity of your scenes, rather than working out the power dynamics. As a submissive you know the Dominant is in charge, you just want to let them know that you can take more and that you want to take more for Them.

Topping from the bottom might also be necessary when the bottom has physical issues or psychological issues that need to be carefully monitored.

Some people might not consider these examples as topping from the bottom, but just open communication between a Dom and a sub. However others might consider these examples an extreme offense and refuse to play. This is why it is so important to find a partner who’s ideas mesh well with Y/yours. Also discussing proper ways to communicate before a session, can help to eliminate any miscommunication about topping from the bottom.

***************************************************
No, You Should Not Top from the Bottom
***************************************************

At the same time, one of the reasons why a bottom becomes a bottom is to give up control to another person. When they top, this makes the top less effective and it blurs the lines between who is in control and who is not. A Dominant who is unable to top the way they like becomes less of a Master or Mistress, and more of a placeholder in the relationship. Since they do not have a clear role, they are simply there to step in when they are needed to satisfy the submissive’s desires – not to control a person. If you want to be in a clear Dominant and submissive relationship, one person needs to be in control, while the other gives up control.

This power dynamic is also not appropriate when you want to train a slave. A slave that doesn’t know their place becomes an ineffective slave. This is not to say that as a slave you can not communicate with your Dominant. It is very important to keep open communication with your Dominant at all times. If things become too intense or too painful, you should say your “SafeWord” to let your Dominant know to stop. If you are feeling confused, frustrated and/or are having negative feelings towards your training, ask to sit down with your Dominant and talk about how you are feeling. This way the both of you can work through things together. Even constructive criticism outside of the dungeon on a Dominant’s techniques or ways to make things more effect for you as a slave are always welcome.

Communication doesn’t just have to be negative. Let your Master or Mistress know what they do that you like and why you like it.

Where the problem with topping from the bottom comes in, is when a submissive gives the Dominant specific instructions on “When, Where And How” a submissive wants to be trained. This usually comes about from a submissive wanting certain things in their training. Instead of letting go of the control and focusing on their training, these submissives only focus on what they want and what they are not getting.

Be honest with yourself, if you are constantly asking for more spankings, floggings, bondage, etc. are you asking for this, so you can let go of your control?

***************************************************
Dominants Dealing With Subs That Top
***************************************************

If you have an established and recognized Power Dynamic within your Dom/sub relationship (that does not accept topping from the bottom) and you as the Dominant are finding that your sub is topping from the bottom, there are a few things you can do to correct their behavior:

1) If they are bound, step away from your sub and give them a few minutes of zero play and complete silence. Before you start up again, ask your sub if they know why you decided to punish them like this?

2) If they are not bound, then take them by the collar and leash and lead them to a corner of the room. Instruct them to go into instructional pose or forced pose and while they are there, they are to think about who is in charge of the scene and why they are being punished. After five minutes in forced pose, your sub should be very sorry and begging for forgiveness.

3) If your sub is demanding a certain task or instrument, do the exact opposite. If your sub has been demanding wax play your whole scene and not concentrating on what you are doing or your instructions. Stop what you are doing, go to the freezer and grab some ice cubes for ice play. Again, have your sub explain why you have decided to do this?

4) Give your sub what they want, but only for a brief moment before you switch to the one thing they don’t like. Continuously switch back and forth between the two. They loving flogging, but hate the cane. Not a problem here is one swipe with the flogger, followed by 20 hits with the cane. Make sure you have the sub explain to you why you are doing this to them.

5) If none of the above techniques work, then end the scene. Explain to your sub what the punishment is for and why you decided to punish them this way. Also make sure to inform them that future scenes will be cut short, if the sub refuses to respect the power dynamic, that the both of you originally agreed upon.

Information provided by Master Bishop