Submissive predators

This subject was raised at our Protocol workshop conducted by Miss V and myself in 2010 and so I decided to post notes from other Kinksters who have undertaken research on this subject-matter.  Acknowledgements of the author on these writings are duly recognised.

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Submissive Predators

Recently, on another list I am on someone entered another of the Zillion posts about predatory dominants.  When I saw it I thought "Oh no, not again, doesn't anyone ever consider the submissive capable of being a predator too?" Well, to my surprise, someone did and, so, I added my two cents. I am re-posting our comments here to see what kind of reaction some of you may have to them. 

Just because a person is submissive, that doesn't free them of all responsibility in a relationship. Each of U/us can only be responsible for O/our own actions and personal safety. It takes two to tango and the submissive is every bit as responsible as the Dominant for the safety and success of the relationship.

I just have to wonder about all these repeated posts about the evils of "dominant predators." Is this a cry for help? What about the "submissive predators?" The ones who claim this that and the other yet deliver nothing? The ones who lead you down the merry path then disappear? The ones who sound so good online then when they show up on your doorstep, you realize their picture is a few years out of date (maybe 10??) and that they aren't submissive and when you finally ask them to leave (politely of course, you don't want to hurt their feelings) they just smirk at you and reply "Well, at least I got a free vacation."

Any time you open up to another person, you run the risk of being hurt. That's the danger of forming personal relationships. But if we ran around in a state of constant paranoia (remember, you've got those Hunters, Hijackers and Scavengers out there all 'round...) then we would never be able to get to know anyone.

I can only hope that all of us have the good sense to take the time to get to know a person before making commitments. It saves a lot of heartache and pain in the end. When we do make mistakes, and being humans we WILL make mistakes, I can only hope we learn from them.    Be well! Mistress Amirah

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I'm glad to see this subject come up. I think the reason virtually all of the discussions about predators revolves around dominants is because these discussions are almost always instigated by and responded to by the submissive and/or newbie dominants. Also, the predatory Doms will often start or support this topic as a "cover" for themselves.

The prevailing attitude in D/s & BDSM is that ALL of the responsibility lies upon the dominant and Amirah makes a good point on this. We long/real time Dominants have contributed a great deal to this attitude because the first thing a new sub hears from us is a warning about predatory Doms. This is as it should be, however, we, most often, fail to follow that up with educating them about their responsibilities. The sad fact is, too, that newbies tend not to listen or accept advice. Their new found acceptance of their submissiveness generates such an urgent desire to subjugate themselves to another that it seems to override good judgment or any thought of responsibility or consequences in the relationship.

New dominants are even less inclined to accept advice or fundamental education. Especially the males. Too many come here with the wrong motivation, viewing this lifestyle as a playground where they can "get away" with behavior not acceptable in the vanilla world. They quickly pick up the language, ordain themselves experienced Masters, and take advantage of the situation giving no thought to the responsibilities. By failing first to learn the basic concepts, they continue the vanilla habit of subterfuge and become (however unintentional) predators themselves inflicting emotional, psychological, and, in some instances, physical damage.

Now, before the phone starts ringing and my E-mail box goes into overload, I am not saying that all new Doms and subs are stupid or bad people. What I am saying, is that they are simply rushing, in their enthusiasm, past the basic math and jumping into algebra. They must first learn why 1 + 1 = 2 before they are ready for the complicated equations of this lifestyle. The intensity level is so high here that it compounds every problem and causes reactions to be volcanic, both good and bad. 

The drive to be submissive is just as impelling as the drive to be dominant. They want what they want too. If they do not get it they may manipulate, instigate, or deceive. The newbie Dom's perception of the submissive being weak is a common fault. In many ways it takes a stronger person to be submissive. It requires enormous courage to turn control of your life over to another. The submissive is equally capable of rage and/or retaliation when they feel mistreated or are denied that which they want. Because they give up so much in the relationship, they are filled with the high octane fuel of righteousness in their quest for vindication or revenge. From my own experiences, an angry sub is far more dangerous than a pissed off Dom. We have seen submissives destroy the dominant's reputations with lies and stalking. Sometimes, for no other reason than rejection. "If I can't have him/her, nobody will." The vast majority of outings have been caused by submissives. Submissives attack each other regarding their, or, available dominants. Rarely do dominants behave so.

I am acutely aware that I have a dominants point of view, but, in the more years than I care to admit, my observation is that submissives are far more predatory than dominants. The most amazing thing to me, however, is that while "bad Doms" are invariably ostracized the "bad subs" remain. The logic of this escapes me. Their predatory actions may be less physical and, therefore, lower profile, but, they are, in some cases, more damaging, long term.  No matter how undeserved, a "bad rep" never completely goes away. An outing can destroy lives forever.

The foregoing is only my viewpoint, not presented as fact, nor directed at any individual.