Basics of Service

 The basic principle of submissive service in a public setting can be summed up in one word: Attentiveness.

Your behavior should reflect your attentiveness to the dominant's needs and desires at all times. Your role is to serve those needs and desires. Is your dominant about to light up a cigarette? Is your dominant's coffee cup empty or has the coffee grown cold? Does he or she need a chair to sit on? Does your dominant have special needs (physical challenges, dietary restrictions)?

It is your job to ensure that the dominant's comforts are served by making any and all appropriate arrangements to make the dominant's life easy. Similarly, it is your joyful task to demonstrate, through your attitude and demeanor, that the dominant's needs come first. Your ability to devotedly serve your dominant is a standard by which others will judge you AND your dominant.

Not only will your attentiveness please your dominant but it will impress those you meet both with your dominant's power and your submissiveness. In other words, you will be a submissive who a dominant is proud to own and one who others will believe is worth ownership.

Some submissives mistake their ability to take a heavy beating as the proof of their devotion. Certainly, it can be a highly erotic type of service to endure heavy pain for your dominant, but what about all those moments when your dominant isn't "doing" you? Are you as good a slave to her (or him) during the quiet moments as you are when your dominant is giving you what you crave?

The following guidelines will help you to convey to your dominant and others that your wish to serve is sincere.

Rules of Public SM Etiquette

1. Call a dominant by the title of her or his choice (e.g., Mistress, Ma'am, Master, Sir, etc.) If you don't know what his or her preference is, ASK.
2. Don't lunge at a dominant, stand too close to him or her, or thrust your hand out in greeting. Wait politely until the dominant greets you or initiates a handshake.
3. You don't need to act like a mouse but it is respectful to periodically lower your eyes in deference to the dominant.
4. The only person who has the right to give you orders is someone to whom you have consensually surrendered control. If such a person gives an order, an appropriate response would be, "Yes, Sir" or "Yes, Ma'am."
5. When an order is given, do your best to comply immediately.
6. If the order pushes a limit, either use your safe word (if you have one), or tell the dominant that you are having a problem and need to talk to him or her.
7. If a dominant wanna-be tries to order you around, an appropriate response would be, "I have not consented to this."
8. Anyone who tries to pressures you into service or tells you it is expected of all submissives should be avoided.
9. Basic rule of thumb: if someone is rude to you, you are under no obligation to be polite to them, even if he or she is a dominant. Clearly he or she is not a good one.
10. Open doors for the dominant and wait until she (or he) passes through before following.
11. Have a lighter or matches handy so you can light a dominant's cigarette or cigar.
12. If the dominant does smoke, discreetly empty the ashtray every so often.
13. Offer to fetch a drink for the dominant.
14. Keep an eye on the dominant's beverage glass and offer to get a refill whenever it is empty.
15. Offer to carry the dominant's coat, equipment bag, or other cumbersome object.
16. When standing beside your dominant, make sure to stand just behind his or her elbow, so that the dominant is slightly in front of you. (Note: some dominants may require that you kneel in attendance.)
17. Do not assume you may take a chair beside your dominant unless she or he has already discussed this with you. Wait until your dominant tells you where to sit. If the dominant gives you no instruction, politely ask where she or he would like you to be.
18. Avoid starting requests with phrases such as "I want" or "I need." Instead, ask for the privilege by starting with: "May I please" or "Mistress/Master, may I have permission to...".
19. If you are in a club or at a party, never bolt away from your dominant's side or give the impression that you would rather be anyplace else but next to your dominant. If something exciting is going on which you are dying to watch, or if you see people you know, ask permission to go.
20. No matter how attractive another dominant may be, when you are in the company of your dominant, control yourself and do not flirt or otherwise express untoward interest in someone else. Even if you are not yet collared or formally owned, if you wish to become owned, you will significantly reduce your chances by acting shallow.
21. Always remember to say "thank you" for every privilege your dominant grants you. For example, if you've received permission to do something, do not charge off like an animal just released from a cage. It gives others the impression that you couldn't wait to leave your dominant's side.
22. Do not argue in public with your dominant. If you are genuinely upset about something which cannot wait until you get home, ask your dominant for permission to discuss it privately and out of earshot of the crowd,

The Submissive:

~ written by Sir Magic ~

A submissive is one who hears the calling to submit, to surrender their control to another and not only obey, but serve. A sub lives to give of themselves to another; to see the needs of their Dominant come first. In doing this, the submissive fulfills a deep, aching, silent void within them.

Do not think just because someone is a submissive they are weak. To the contrary, some of the strongest individuals I know are sub's and slaves. Within BDSM there is a saying, "I'm submissive, not stupid ". What this ultimately means in my eyes is with "if you look down upon a submissive for being so, you have totally missed the whole point... and you're an asshole.

The "sub" differs from the slave in key area's. Technically, as much as I dislike it, you can "be" submissive and it is something you can "do". A submissive has a laundry list of things they will NOT do and conditions they will only serve under.

With the proliferation of on-line BDSM chat rooms and cyber "wannabes" the line between sub and slave has been seriously blurred. It is not uncommon now for the term "sub" or "slave" to be used interchangeably when in essence they ARE different things.

From my perspective, as a long time, real life practitioner, if you are Married or cyber, you can be a sub. However, until you are at the feet of your Dom (or Dominant) with their collar around your neck, you can't be a slave in the true sense of the term. If you are married and your Dominant is someone other than your spouse, I don't see how you can truly be a slave. The old saying applies here, "you can't serve two Masters (Mistresses) ".

Worthy To Be Owned - Tips for submissives/slaves

~ written by Norisch1 ~

There are many things that make a submissive desirable in this realm. To me however there are some things that take precedence over others, obedience, manners, etiquette, and attentiveness are top on my priority list. Nothing frustrates me more than to see a Dominant with a pretty little show piece near by talking to his or her friends while an empty drink glass sits waiting to be refilled, or watching a Dominant have to run around and search for a submissive/slave because he or she has wandered off. No matter what gender, race, age, ethnicity, education, or appearance, if a submissive/slave does not have the basics of protocol and behavior down pat then nothing else matters.

Most submissives/slaves learn basic manners and etiquette from their mother, although it appears that not all mothers were as particular as my mother was on this issue. My mother used to say "Manners are cheap it’s a shame more people don’t have them" and "You don’t have to be well educated to know what good manners are." My mother, God rest her soul, used to pound manners and proper etiquette into myself and my sisters every chance she had, she believed that manners not money that made the difference between "white trash" and a millionaire. In her way of thinking you could be wearing a $3,000.00 custom made Italian suit and be "white trash" if you had bad manners. Why am I explaining the diligence of my mother in an article about BDSM? Simple the way a submissive behaves directly corresponds to the value of the individual in my honest opinion. Not only does it corresponds to their value but it also directly reflects on the Dominant as well. In my opinion a rude or ill-mannered submissive/slave is a definite sign of a poor Dominant. Like wise a well-mannered, obedient submissive/slave is a sign of a loving, attentive Dominant.

I have written down a few tips that I think are a good start to understanding good manners, and proper etiquette.

• Upon first meeting a new individual ask what title they would prefer to be addressed by (Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am, Goddess, etc.), do not assume that you have the right to address someone in a familiar manner or to use that individual’s title until you have earned that right.
• Do not rush up to someone and initiate contact, politely stand and wait to be acknowledged.
• Do not run about, dashing from here to there, unless you have been instructed to do so. Walk slowly and with precision. Stand straight with your shoulders back and your head straight, walk with pride and dignity, there is no excuse for poor posture.
• Do not be mousy, discreetly lowering your eyes is acceptable but do not appear timid or frightened.
• Do not hang on or crowd a Dominant, there is such a thing as smothering someone even in this lifestyle.
• Walk or stand slightly behind and to the side of the Dominant, if you are unsure of which side, ask.
• Do not wander off, if you need to excuse yourself, ask permission to leave and then return as quickly as possible, do not assume that you have permission to go somewhere other than the original request or that you have blanket permission to wander about.
• Be attentive, be ready when your Dominant needs you.
• Be discreet, when your Dominant is in the middle of a conversation and you wish to ask a question do not interrupt, simply stand waiting until you are acknowledged and then proceed. If it is important simply place your hand on the Dominant’s arm or shoulder and whisper in his or her ear. If it is an emergency, it is justified to interrupt, but remember to apologize for doing so.
• If there is someone you wish to talk to, ask permission from your Dominant first. If the individual is a Dominant you are then expected to ask his or her permission to speak with them. If the individual is an owned submissive/slave you are expected to ask their Dominant permission before you speak with them. If the individual is not owned, simply ask them if you may speak.
• Keep an eye on your Dominant’s glass, make sure that it does not go empty or if it does that it does not stay that way long.
• If your Dominant smokes, keep a lighter or matches available so that you may light his or her cigarette when need be, also make sure to supply him or her with an ashtray and discreetly empty it on occasion.
• When asked a question the correct response would be "Yes, Sir" or "Yes, Ma’am", or "No, Sir" or "No, Ma’am". Even with another submissive/slave you should show respect. If the individual is a close friend or you are on familiar terms a less formal way of answering may be acceptable, but by no means say "Yup" or "Nah".
• Do not pick at your clothes or fidget, it can be very distracting.
• Do not use profanity, there are far to many eloquent words out there that will confuse the dickens out of the well deserving idiot.
• Keep your voice low, shouting across a room is unacceptable, unless it is an emergency.
• Open the door for the Dominant, male or female, and then politely wait until he or she is through to proceed.
• When given permission to leave the Dominant’s side do not bolt off, it gives the impression you can’t wait to get away from him or her.
• Never stare at another individual.
• Offer to carry your Dominant’s coat or bags, or any cumbersome items.
• Keep an eye on your Dominant at all times, even if you are not by his or her side it is wise to glance over frequently to see if your services are needed.
• No not apologize for your Dominant’s behavior unless given instructions to do so.
• Do not talk about your Dominant with anyone else unless you have been given permission.
• If someone is rude to you, you are under no obligation to be polite to them, also tell your Dominant about the behavior, he or she may wish to educate the individual on the proper manner in which you should be addressed.
• If someone that you are not associated with attempts to order you to do something, politely state that you belong to another, or that you did not consent to serving them.
• If you are given instructions and there is a question, ask.
• If you have been given an order, do your best to comply immediately, or apologize and explain any possible delay.
• Ask permission before you take a seat and do not assume that you may sit on the furniture unless you have discussed so prior. Some Dominants expect their submissive/slave to stand or kneel nearby.
• Always remember to say "Thank You" for any privilege granted.
• Do not pout! If you ask permission for something and are denied, accept it, do not pout or ask questions.
• Do not flirt or show undo interest in someone else, it does not show your best side to act shallow.
• Do not correct your Dominant in public, if you wish to correct him or her do it privately and with respect.
• Do not argue with your Dominant in public, if you feel the need to say something, then request a discrete separation to talk to him or her, but again remember to show respect.
• Do not raise your voice or question your Dominant.
• Do not whine, it is a good way to loose the option to speak for the night.
• Do not be overly affectionate in public, instead follow your Dominant’s lead. Allow the Dominant to set the mood and decide to what degree the behavior should be.
• Never constantly look at your watch, it says that you would rather be somewhere else, other than at your Dominant’s side. If you have been instructed to keep an eye on time to be able to make an appointment then do so discreetly, do not be obvious.
• Always have a pen and paper available in case your Dominant may need it.
• If going to a place that serves alcohol, never drink to excess, you must be able to tend to your Dominant at all times. Also never allow your Dominant to drink and drive or attempt to do so yourself.
• If you cough, sneeze or yawn, say "Excuse me," or "Pardon me."

At all times remember that you are representing your Dominant. If you are unsure of how to behave, just think of how your Dominant would behave and later ask for clarification.

Opinions on Service 3

From a Sister:

There are those who serve from a true need to do so, they derive their pleasure from pleasing others. They don't expect a "reward" as we think of it. Doing it well, and seeing a positive reaction IS the reward.

There are those who serve because of the person they are with and their desire to see that person happy. It's not a need they have, but something they are willing to do because it is desired by someone they care for. Those usually do need some form of payback, even if it's just positive attention and affection.

These may look the same, even sound a bit the same, but the motivation is completely different.

Then there are the tit for tat types...service is fine so long as there is always a reward / play after service is provided. Not my type, but I know of people who have made such arrangements as service of a particular form in return for play...it has it's place.


The sexual doesn't enter into it for me...I either want it or not, but it can't be earned. It isn't dependent on service.

Opinions on Service 2

From a Sister:

I have more than one sub and all of them contribute some service to our varying relationships (I'm poly, but the relationships vary because everyone is different).

One is a polyamorous partner (secondary both ways), decades-long dear friend & lover, and occasional service sub. He installed eyebolts to start my playroom, has moved heavy goods, and has plans (which I need to nag) to fell a tree in my yard this winter.

One is a service sub who volunteered for my garden and yard needs, and the range of chores has grown and become seasonal. We get together usually once or twice a week; he'll deal with his chores/projects, cleans up, and we have a play date. (He also loves to experiment with new toys, contributing to both our fun!) He's great fun to play with, we both leave smiling. I find our relationship style that of service top & service bottom.

And another sub is only present a few weeks of the year; when he is present, however, his relationship is closest to that of the mythical "twue subbie" (TM pending). His desire to be of service to me is quite literal; what can I do to make my lady's life easier? Sometimes he fetches me something to drink before I ask; sometimes he works on my antiquated house wiring. And sometimes he just squats quietly next to me at a play party so that he can observe and anticipate what I'll need/want next. Carrying toy bags? Opening doors? Cleaning toys? It works for us.


I love them all, in different ways. ;-)

Dinner 2/12/14

Well slave mani cooked for me and the family this evening.

A chicken noodle dish.  It was quite pleasant.

He has a lot to learn about domestic service though.  Setting the table, serving the meal, cleaning up after cooking, clearing the table, serving me correctly, ensuring my glass is filled, cleaning the kitchen after meal finished.

Focussing on his continued service to me rather than his phone.

However, this is his first time to 'cook' for a Mistress and her family... and being a newbie in this type of service was a little nerve-wracking for him.  The food was pleasant and everyone enjoyed it.

Being attentive when in my presence is not his strong point I have observed.  That said, he is on a short-term contract and he has experienced various types of service in the short time with me so if nothing else, this sweet slave will go away with some new experiences.

We did not meet tonight to play due to venue being unavailable.  Let me say, it is nice being in bed on this cold damp evening, relaxing with a glass of wine and reading a book...oh and updating my blog.

Tomorrow, slave will spend some time with my submissive.  I am sure they will have a lovely outing together.

PROTOCOL (guide/suggestion to create your own)

How the protocol should be undertaken? / How do you expect the submissive to act?

How do YOU expect the submissive/slave to behave:

How to address you in public and private

How to dress in public and private

How to sit / Where to sit in public and private

How to serve in private

How to eat / When to eat

How to shower / bathe

How to groom for your Dominant

How to greet you in morning / evening

How to behave in public

  

This is a model for the relationship. It is the Dominants' responsibility to establish the protocol. DO NOT send your submissive out on the net looking for that “magic” protocol that must be followed.  Create your own protocols from the above, and add more as your experience grows.

New slave

My new slave's training is coming along well.  He reminds me of a previous slave I had in focus and attitude not so much looks but that is not important, the submission, the service, the loyalty, the commitment and me, Ms Neta, being the priority is what I seek, and have always sought.

I will introduce him here, soon.

He is on a contract for 3 months only and I am looking forward to enjoying time with him.  We plan to spend some time together up north to visit other kinksters, and enjoy the M/s relationship we are about to ensue.

***

Punishment tally as of yesterday (17/10/14): 6 strokes

Lucky boy.

More CBT fun

    Various methods of crushing (not totally of course!) the balls. Pliers, car battery clamps, a "visible ball crusher" I bought on-line etc.

Various abrasives - sandpaper, nail file, scrubbing pad, electric toothbrush etc.

Candle wax

Clothes pins and binder clips

Use a Wartenberg wheel

Butterfly board and other "play piercing"

Stinging nettles  - use first on the nipples, then the balls, then the shaft of the cock and finally - exquisite agony - the glans.

Crushed chillis in virgin olive oil "painted" on the cock and balls (I read about this online somewhere and it said that it's "initially, excruciating but later blissful" which was true. What it didn't say was that the "excruciating" part, with your cock and balls feeling like they're on fire, lasts an eternity - or it certainly seems like it - before you get to the "blissful" part)

Bengay / Icy Hot (similar effect to the above, but hard to get rid of that distinctive smell)
Electro torture, using a TENS unit.

Various anal "probes", including electrified.

Wear tight jeans without underwear.

Figging – ginger root.  Cut the ginger root to the size of the tooth pick and insert it in the urethra.

Sounds, can be a lot of fun

Attach a row of pegs to his cock with a string running through them all. Attach a small bucket to the string and let it dangle between his legs. Keep slowly dropping small weights into the bucket. Eventually the pegs would start to come off but it will take ages and then they should all come off suddenly.  Painful.

Wrap his cock in a sheet of sandpaper and put rubber bands around it so it remains rolled up. Hold one end of the sandpaper and have him pull his cock out.  It will leave scratch marks all around his cock. Ouch.

Submissive vs Slave vs Bottom:

Author unknown but I thank them for providing their definitions of what a submissive / slave / bottom are:

***

Bottom:

Someone who loves to be played with and will allow a dominant to top them but ONLY for the duration of a play scene. Once the scene is over they are 100% equals and it’s not uncommon for a bottom to dictate what kind of play they want. For example, I occasionally want an endorphin rush so will ask a friend to use a single tail on me - I dictate when, where, how hard, what toys, and I am NEVER bound because I am controlling what I want - he complies because he is a good friend and its all in fun. Thus I can and do bottom, but I am NEVER submissive. I am not wired that way. A bottom does not submit, a bottom never gives up control.

Submissive:

Someone who wants to yield control to a dominant. They negotiate boundaries and the dominant sets safe words for them. BDSM to them isn’t about just the sensations; it’s about being in that submissive headspace. It’s about submitting your mind and body (and possibly your heart) to a dominant for them to use as they see fit (within your limitations of course). A submissive is a submissive long before a scene starts and continues to be a submissive long after a scene ends. It is a part of who they are and how they relate to their dominant partner. A submissive is NOT a doormat, they are an independent free thinking person who compliments a dominant in their servitude. A submissive has the right to walk away from a relationship if it isn’t meeting their personal needs.

Slave:

There are so many different views on what a slave is or isn’t but here is the general consensus. A slave is a submissive who takes it one step further giving up all rights to their dominant partner. They give up safe words and trust 100% that their dominant will do whatever is in their best interest. They do not question their dominant, they obey without reservation. The rules for a slave can be quite strict and the discipline for breaking the rules can vary drastically. It is generally accepted that a slave must beg for permission to be released should they ever feel the need to leave a relationship – but the reality is slavery in that context is not legally binding (even with a contract signed) and no one can prevent someone from leaving a relationship should it either not meet their needs or if it becomes abusive.

CBT Sensation Play - 12/7/12

This assignment was completed by my trainee submissive today.  I thought he did pretty well.  This research is in preparation to a play party we are attending next week, and he will certainly get to experience CBT along with flogging.  Such a lucky boy bitch.

***

            There are many ways that sensation play can be done in regards to CBT. Many different tools can be used to achieve the desired effect. Hands can be used to slap gently, punch gently, squeeze or twist the cock and balls. Another popular method of CBT is bondage. This is done using cord, rope, string or laces to tie up the cock and balls into different positions and to different things. Another common device are ball stretchers which are straps of varying sizes which go around the top of the scrotum horizontally and force the balls down into the stretched sack. Bandages, rope or leather thongs can also be used for this purpose. Another thing that can be added to the balls while they are being stretched is weights. However the practice of weighting down the balls can be dangerous and the weights should be between 500g and 1.5kg to give sensation but also be safe at the same time.

            Crushing the balls is another method of CBT and can be achieved by using various different clamps or bondage equipment including cling wrap or elastic bandages.

            Clothes pins can also be used to cause pain. Depending on how much skin is caught in each individual pin will determine how painful that particular clothes pin is on the cock and balls. The more skin that is caught in the clothes pin the less painful that particular one will be. Clothes pins are also more painful coming off then they are going on as the blood flows back into the previously restricted areas. If the submissive/slave is new to clothes pin then the time they are wearing them should be limited to about 10 minutes or so and then adjust the time as he gains more experience.

Flogging Assignment - 29/6/12

I requested my trainee submissive to research Flogging in preparation for his first flogging next week.  This is what he came up with...

***

            The sensations a flogging can impart on the person who is being flogged are varied.  There are many different types of implements used for flogging but most are multiple tails attached to a leather and wooden handle. The first thing that should happen before any actual flogging is a discussion with the bottom about safe words, what the bottom desires and whether or not the bottom prefers a stinging or thud sensation. These different sensations are caused by the different floggers used and also the different ways in which the flogger is wielded by the top that is doing the flogging.

            The basic areas that get flogged are the buttocks and upper back avoiding the spine areas to avoid causing serious injury, the flogging is supposed to be an enjoyable experience for both parties. A bottom that is being flogged isn’t only interested in the physical sensations of the flogging but also the endorphin high which can come from it as well.

            How do I feel about being flogged by Ms Neta? I would say I feel nervous, anxious, excited and unsure about it all. Also a little scared but that is mainly from just not knowing how it’s going to feel and whether or not I will like it. For the most part however, I am excited to have this experience and I do look forward to it Ms Neta. Will be a good experience for me I do know I have my safewords to use if it does get to be too much for me and I will not hesitate to use them if I need to.

Assignment 3 from my trainee:28/5/12

Assignment 3 - I was pleased with my trainee's efforts.  Some submissives who want to "serve" can't undertake assignments like this because they don't have the commitment to learn and embrace the higher level of Kinkiness.  Many just want Kinky sex without the knowledge or understanding behind what drives many of us in this journey.

Edgeplay

            Edgeplay is any type of play that would be considered “edgy” and comes very close to crossing a submissive/slave’s limits or goes very close to the edge of what is considered “safe play”. Certain activities like breath play (strangulation and asphyxiation), needle play, knife play and blood play are all examples of edge play. However, as different people have different limits, what people consider edgeplay is also different. One person may consider needle play to be within the scope of “normal” BDSM activities whereas another may consider it to be edgeplay. Severe humiliation is also another example of edgeplay and for some people even mild humiliation would be considered to be on the edge. Edgeplay is different for different couples as everyone is different and has different limits and skills. It is also possible for activities such as needle play that may start out as being considered to be edge play by the couple to after a few times of doing it for it to no longer be so close to the limits set down at the beginning of the relationship.

Safewords

            Safewords or safe signals are words or signals that the submissive/slave uses in a scene to inform the Dominant that the scene is either going too far and they want it to stop completely and immediately or they just want the Dominant to stop a particular activity but to continue the scene. It is important to have safewords/signals as they are a very clear way to tell the Dominant how the submissive/slave is feeling about the scene at any particular point in time and when the scene is getting too much for the submissive/slave and they would like it to either stop immediately or just slow down. It is especially useful when a relationship is new, especially if one or both, people in the relationship are new to the BDSM world and play or when an established couple are testing out new limits. Not respecting and acting on a safeword/signal given by the submissive/slave is grounds for the immediate termination of the relationship.

RACK vs SSC

            RACK stands for Risk-aware consensual kink and has the intent of educating and making the players in a relationship aware of the risks inherent in the activities they undertake as part of the D/s relationship. It means that the players in the relationship are both aware and have consented to the risk. If both players have appropriate knowledge of the risks and have consented to them then go ahead. This is the basic idea which is at the core of RACK. RACK is especially important when considering whether or not to undertake any form of edge play.

            SSC on the other hand stands for Safe, Sane and Consensual. It has the intent of helping to make sure that all the players in a D/s relationship are safe, the submissive/slave is unharmed, sane, neither party is intoxicated at the point of play and are able to clearly differentiate fantasy from reality and consent fully to all activities that are going to be undertaken. Another important part of keeping the players in a relationship safe is to make sure that the submissive/slave has no underlying injuries or conditions that will be aggravated by the play being performed.

            In short RACK seems to deal more with the activities that are being undertaken and SSC is more about the people who are undertaking the activities, whether they are the Dominant or the submissive/slave.

Task by my trainee: 19/5/12

I requested my trainee to come up with 10 service-oriented tasks.  This is what he came up with:

• Cleaning the play equipment
• Serving your food and drink
• Running errands for you
• Providing hand and foot massages
• General house cleaning
• General chivalry (opening doors, getting chairs, hanging coats etc.)
• Laying your clothes out for you ready to wear
• Polishing your shoes
• Sexual service
• Providing my body for you to use

He did pretty well considering he is relatively new to the Life.  Its even more wonderful he isn't a "Do Me" type person.  If he was of course he would not be in my realm.

Attracting a Dominant

Obeying even simple directives is the thing that catches my eye first. Answering any questions I ask honestly is also important. Showing you have a grasp of reality is another thing that will get you past the "why are you bothering me" stage.Here are a few generic do not ever do if you want to catch the eye of a female dominant.

1.      Do not say "anything you want" if she asks you what you enjoy having done to you. If she did not want to really know what you enjoy she would not have asked.

2.      If given an assignment DO IT the way she has directed. She is looking to see if you can obey or even want to obey. An example of this is: Order: Send me a fantasy that will be able to be done in real life easily that involves serving and does not involve any sex act. So far 99% of the subs told to do that end up sending something that involves "servicing" a gang of Dommes or being paraded in drag all over the place. Not one has had the smarts to fantasise about doing laundry, washing the car, mowing the lawn. In other words Dommes want to know if you see "service" as only sex or as making her life easier.

3.      Do NOT go on and on and on about how you can please her sexually. Believe me when I say a Hitachi vibrator is much better than any male can ever hope to be. It is always there when you want it, does things the way you want it done and never runs out of energy.

4.      If you do not understand what she is telling you to do ASK for clarification. That shows you have the ability to think. Doing something the way you think she wants it done when you are not sure what was meant is simply stupid.

5.      Do not send the same introduction to a list of 20 Dommes in your area at the same time. Believe me Dommes network much better than you can ever dream of. If you hit on all of them at the same time it will take the maximum of about 3 days (if that long) for you to be identified as a "wanker" for that very reason.

6.      Be polite and understand that "no" is an answer you are going to get often. If you write back a nasty reply to someone who is not interested in you it will get around quickly. (see rule number 5).

7.      Offer things that will make her life easier in person. Learn to cook, clean, do car maintance, landscaping and anything else you can think of tha will free her time up so she can relax.Another thing is learn to talk to her about things that do not center around sex and how often you want/need it or your burning desire to be in chastity. Learn about music, books, current events (sports are not the only current event out there). Show her you are a well rounded companion as well as a sub/slave.

8.      Do NOT come at this with the mental attitude of "if I do this or that she will play with me". That shows up very quickly in how things are done and we are NOT unpaid pro-Dommes. By that I mean unless SHE suggests you clean her garage and then she will beat you, offer service without expectaion of being "served" in return. You will get a positive reaction very quickly if your attitude is one of service not of barter.

9.      Ask HER what SHE wants and then do it quietly, effeciently and cheerfully. You will definately get positive attention by showing that mind set.

10.  Follow the above suggestions and you will be beating Dommes off with a stick. I am sure the Ladies here can add to this list but at least you now have an idea of what is truly seductive to a Domme.

~Author Unknown~  and a big thank you to the Author!!

People's thoughts on protocol

I would like to mention that I make a distinction between rules and protocol. Rules are the founding principles of a relationship, the obligations that what has been agreed to uphold. 

Protocol includes aspects such as what he is wearing, how I want him to sit, and when he should call me Mistress.

Respect is about mental/emotional relations. Protocol is about actions. They can have no connection or a very large one. Personally, I would never follow protocol of a Dominant I did not have respect for.

Techniques on processing pain

Breath & other techniques for processing pain & expanding pain limits.

Here are some techniques.
BELLY BREATH
1. Breathe naturally for a few breaths, then notice which first fills up when you breathe in, your chest or your belly?
Which goes up and down when you breathe?
Most fill up only their chest, which means the lungs don't get cleaned out.
You want to fill both belly and chest, belly first, and to do so, you need a strong exhale.
2. Become aware of your belly, and on the exhale breathe out like you're blowing out a stubborn candle, and tighten your belly squeezing it back towards your spine, blowing out all the air.
No more air to blow out? Let your belly pop out away from your spine, and fill it w/ air letting your belly fill up, then letting your chest. Bring in less air in than you blew out.
3. Now blow out again, belly back towards spine.
4. Breathe in, filling belly 1st.
5. Do this, gently, for several breaths till you feel you've got the hang of it.
4/8 COUNT BREATH
1. On the inhale, count to 4
2. On the exhale, count to 8.
3. In on 4, out on 8
4. In out in out...
If 4/8 is too much try 3/6 at first. Always double the exhale for this particular breath. Also, the longer the exhale the more mileage, 4/8, 5/10, 6/12, etc.
If struck on the exhale, the lower half especially, it's usually easier for the bottom to receive it.
If struck on the inhale, it's usually more painful.
If something really hurts, breathe out, breathe out. breathe out, blow it away.

Other pain processing tips.
Imagine surfing, riding on the sensation, the sensation following your exhale and you riding that sensation.
Imagine pain as a sensation to surrender/relax into, rather than something to endure. Consciously relax all your muscles, especially on the exhale. Breathe into where you're relaxed and out thru where you're tight.
Imagine pain as a color, and then spread that color out from it's locus to over your body.

And please, don't think that because you will be more relaxed you won't have as much fun, or be as excited. Relaxation and Excitement together is called Euphoria in the essential oil world, and I think they're on to something.

 

One that I might add, in the limit-stretching department: When topping in this mode, I give a long warmup, including the sort of breath coaching you describe. If it goes well, toward the end of the scene, I have them pull in a really deep breath, and hold it for my slow count of three. They'll exhale all the way, of course--and the top strikes hard just as the exhale _ends_.

As a top, it's sadistically amusing to watch someone try to scream with empty lungs. For the bottom, it's like getting a whole new screen on a video game! At least it's been that way for me, the times I've bottomed for it. And when I top it, when they finally do remember how to fill up their lungs, they're about as likely to say "Oh, WOW!" as to make that scream that was their initial plan for the air.

By SybilHoliday

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Thank you Sybil Holiday for sharing your knowledge on processing pain.

Do dominants really need aftercare (9922)

Unable to credit the writer as he/she is unknown to me but the information is most informative.  Thank you to the author for enlightening the community.

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Aftercare is a much debated topic among those who are into the rough and tumble play of BDSM. Whose responsible, what is needed and how long it should last are often discussed, but with the submissive in mind. Dominant aftercare is a phrase you almost never hear.

Dominants don’t need no stinkin’ aftercare! They just dish out the sweet nasty and life’s all set. Tops need nothin’ from no one, ‘cause they’re tough. Being in control makes everything instantly easy. Dominants always know what they want, especially after play, so no one should bother asking.

And if you bought all that, I have a fine little slightly-used nuclear reactor in Japan to sell you.

Tops need after care too. It drives me nuts that we don’t talk about this.

“Aftercare” is the term pervy folks use to refer to the set of actions and attention a person needs after kink play to return to a state of stability in mind, body and heart. It can be as short and simple as a glass of water and a moment to sit. It may be a complex combination of emotional processing, physical recovery and a period of intimacy. Soothe the sweetly savaged skin and gently come down from that adrenaline high to be able to rejoin the world without being too jarred. For many, aftercare includes some sort of sensual or sexual time.

The word aftercare conjures mental images of basic beat-body care, emotional comforts, snuggly blankies, water and validation — all for the bottom. The idea that a top might have aftercare needs is completely overlooked. She’s supposed to go from super-top to super-caretaker and then back to super balanced everyday person, all on her own. It’s just not realistic.

I don’t know where this myth came from, but it can potentially do much harm to a top or bottom’s mental well-being, as well as to their relationships. Perhaps the assumption is that aftercare is primarily about injury or body-damage care, and since the top isn’t hurt, she doesn't need anything. This, of course, dismisses any exhausted flogging arms, feet tormented by sexy shoes, tired legs and rope burned fingers. Aftercare can be about grounding a bottom from a place of emotional rawness and vulnerability, but feeling raw and vulnerable isn’t the exclusive domain of bottoms. Any new top, or even an experienced top trying new things, can feel uncertainty. Exploring intense emotional states can leave any good person who’s topping in a place of potential roughness. Dominants or tops unleashing their inner beasts, that part of them which society disapproves of, may leave them in need of validation of their humanity and desirableness.

Ignoring the aftercare needs of dominants and tops may lead them into a pretty bad place. Negative repercussions can include self-doubt, exhaustion, resentment of the other, self-loathing, overcompensation with domineering behavior, loss of interest in play or even physical ailments. If SM is supposed to be fun, this isn’t going to work.

On the other hand, excellent aftercare, for all parties, can leave everyone in a much better place. It can make the difference between a good play scene and an amazing play scene, in retrospect.

So what does aftercare for a top look like? Maybe you already do your aftercare. For some dominants, providing serious care to the bottom is their own aftercare. For others, the ritual of putting away their toys and cleaning the space is another form of aftercare.

But if you’ve never considered your aftercare needs and don’t feel you’re getting the post-play balancing and care that you need, consider these points to figure out your after care needs.

From whom do you want the aftercare?

Would it be from your bottom partner in the scene or not? It doesn’t have to come from the bottom, it can come from someone else entirely. If you need sex as part of your aftercare, but the person you play with isn’t someone you have sex with, then you need that special sex-care person for your après-play. The person caring for you doesn’t even have to be a bottom; they can be a top. Some of the best top-aftercare I received was from other tops and dominants with similar style of play and mindset.

When I’m going into a particularly intense or emotionally boundary pushing experiences, I’ll arrange for one of my exquisite dominant cohorts to witness my scene and be there for me afterward. They’re particularly suited to relate to my highs and lows. If I want to talk about techniques, they know the details I need to gab about. If I want to bare my heart, they know the emotional challenges that come with topping. If the aftercare is from someone else, top or bottom, arrange for it in advance. Since I like to BYOA (bring your own aftercare), I make sure to arrange this well in advance.

When and how long do you need it?

The duration and timing of aftercare for a bottom varies widely. It can last minutes or hours, take place immediately after a scene, or possibly even days afterward. A top should consider as well, about how long she will want her aftercare to last and when it should take place. Will this be immediately after the scene, hours later, a day later or many days later? Will this be over several hour or just minutes? Let your aftercare provider know, so they can prepare.

What does it involve?

What will your specific needs involve? Will you desire food, water, chocolate, a blanket or any other items? Will you want to talk or be quiet? Maybe you’d like to wail and break things or break down in tears or hysterical laughter. Would you want people around you or not? Again, the more you can share with your aftercare provider, the more this helps them prepare.

It’s important to recognize that a dominant or top, who behaves tough or completely in control of any scene may not be on such steady ground afterward and can be just as in need of aftercare as the bottom. No matter of your play partner or another person provides your aftercare, it’s vital prepare for and discuss your needs in advance. If they’re not used to Top Aftercare, they may look baffled, but carry on.

If you’re a bottom, consider bringing up aftercare for your top or dominant play partner before a scene.

It comes down to this — tops are people too. They have strong emotions, desires, vulnerabilities and physical stresses during play, just as bottoms do and it’s just as important to take care of the top, after a scene, as it is to take care of the bottom.

Written lines by my submissive: 12/5/12

Reinforcement lines written by my submissive and handed to me on 12/5/12 for leaving my side recently at my workplace.  I was extremely disappointed by his silliness, and so 50 lines were requested along with a scolding.  This was the second time he had  done this action.  He obviously forgot his submissiveness momentarily and panicked at being left alone when he was never alone.  He should have remained beside me like a good boy.  Anyway it is hoped he has learned his lesson, and if he hasn't, he will be strapped or caned severely.

Written Punishment Lines: 13/5/12

Lines written by my trainee and handed in on time:  20 lines of "Grooming and personal hygiene is important for me as part of my traineeship to Ms Neta"